I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.