My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"