My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.