The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.