My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.