Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.