I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.