I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.