I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Cats are a waste of fur.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.