Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.