When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.