My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

All men would still really like to own a train set.