My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.