I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.