I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.