Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?