Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.