How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.