When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.