When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.