When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.