When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.