The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.