Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.