Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.