I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

Cats are a waste of fur.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.