Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.