After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.