After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.