I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.