I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.