I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.