I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.