Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.