Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."