Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.