Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.