You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.