Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.