Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.