How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.