I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.