When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.