A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.