A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?