A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.