Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.