I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.