I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."