I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.