If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take