I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.