I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Never take candy from strangers.