The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.