The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.