The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.