Robert Orben Quotes

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Individuality' is the key to success.

Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.