A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.