A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.