Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.