Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.