I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.