I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.