Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

A compliment is verbal sunshine.