There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.