I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!