I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.