I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.