Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?