They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.