They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.