Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.