I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.