Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.