Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.