Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.